Barbara Coloroso is an international bestselling author and for the past 45 years an internationally recognized speaker and consultant on parenting, teaching, school discipline, positive school climate, bullying, grieving, nonviolent conflict resolution and restorative justice.
She has appeared on Oprah, CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN and NPR and has been featured in the New York Times, Time, U.S. News & World Report, Newsweek, and other national and international publications. She is the author of six international bestsellers and two critically acclaimed video programs.
Barbara spent the afternoon with The MoB sharing solid practical advice for moms of boys from toddlers to teenagers, that shows how to utilize the very stuff of family life—chores, mealtime, sibling rivalry, toilet training, bedtime, allowances and more—to create a home environment in which children can become self-disciplined, compassionate, responsible, resourceful, resilient human beings who can act in their own best interest, stand up for themselves and exercise their own rights while respecting the rights and legitimate needs of others. Barbara discussed the keys to good parenting: treating kids with respect; giving them a sense of positive power in their own lives; giving them opportunities to make decisions, take responsibility for their actions and learn from their successes and mistakes.
Jamie Leigh, event and portrait photographer . Purchase photographs at http://www.jaimeleighphoto.photoherald.com or 303-669-6730
Handout of Parenting with Wit and Wisdom:
•Parenting children to think and act ethically is three fold:
Giving them ways to care deeply, share generously, help willingly.
Curb their inclination to hoard or harm.
Stop in its tracks anything that fuels hatred.
•An ethic rooted in deep caring is primarily about relationships. Principles, virtues and values are in the service to and at the service of that caring.
•The story about our human nature in today’s social and cultural climate is part and parcel of our human nature and our social and cultural climate.
•Holding children accountable for what they do that causes harm, what they fail to do to care, and for what they turn a blind eye to says we care deeply about them. It also says that we believe they are capable of acting with integrity, civility, and compassion. That will require resolve on our part and discipline on theirs.
•Discipline and Punishment—Why one works and the other
only appears to work:
Punishment is adult oriented, imposes power from without, arouses anger and resentment, invites more conflict, exacerbates wounds rather than heals them; is preoccupied with blame and pain; does not consider reasons or look for solutions; does something to a child; involves a strong element of judgment; and demonstrates a parent's ability to control a child.
Discipline is not judgmental, arbitrary, confusing, or coercive. It is not something we do to children. It is working with them. It is a process that gives life to a child’s learning. It is restorative, and invites reconciliation. Its goal is to instruct, guide, and help children develop self-discipline—an ordering of the self from the inside, not an imposition from the outside.
•The process of discipline does four things the act of punishment cannot do:
1. Shows children what they have done.
2. Gives them as much ownership of the problem that they can handle.
3. Gives them options for solving the problem.
4.Leaves their dignity intact.
•For mistakes, mischief, and mayhem that unintentionally or intentionally create serious problems of great consequence, the Three R’s—restitution, resolution, and reconciliation—are incorporated into the four steps of discipline.
• R.S.V.P.--Consequences need to be Reasonable, Simple, Valuable,and Practical.
• Six Critical Life Messages
I believe in you
I trust you
I know you can handle it
You are listened to
You are cared for
You are very important to me.
• Philosophical Tenets
Kids are worth it.
I won’t treat them in a way I would not want to be treated.
If it works and leaves both of our dignity intact, do it.
Three Alternatives to NO
- Yes, later.
- Give me a minute
- Convince me
Alternatives to Abundant Praise, Tangible Goodies, and our Presence as a Present:
- Feedback (compliments, comments, constructive criticism)
- Deep caring (compassion and loving kindness)
• Big I and Three C’s—Intent, content, circumstances, and possible intended or unintended consequences.
If we conclude that our actions could harm another person and we commence to act; we come full circle to our intent to harm.
If we conclude that our actions could help relieve the suffering of the other, we have three choices: to not act (allowing suffering); to act because we want to maintain our image of a caring person (get caught); or to act to relieve the suffering of others, because we must.
• T.A.O of Teaching: Time, Affection and Optimism • Integrity
Discern what is the right thing to do.
Be willing to act when the burden is heavy.
Be willing to speak up when it is more comfortable to be Silent.
Additional helpful websites:
commonsensemedia.org - Helps families make smart media choices
netlingo.com - Text and chat acronyms
kids are worth it! inc•p.o.box 621108•Littleton, Co, USA 80162•800.729.1588 www.kidsareworthit.com